Henry IV, Part 2 - Act 2, scene 4
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Act 2, scene 4
At Mistress Quickly’s inn in Eastcheap, a fight erupts after Falstaff’s ensign, Pistol, insults Doll Tearsheet. The disguised Prince Hal and Poins hear Falstaff’s demeaning comments about them. Hal and Falstaff are summoned to the war.Enter ⌜Francis and another⌝ Drawer.
FRANCIS 1101 What the devil hast thou brought there—
1102 applejohns? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure
1103 an applejohn.
⟨SECOND⟩ DRAWER 1104 Mass, thou sayst true. The Prince
1105 5 once set a dish of applejohns before him and told
1106 him there were five more Sir Johns and, putting off
1107 his hat, said “I will now take my leave of these six
1108 dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered him
1109 to the heart. But he hath forgot that.
FRANCIS 1110 10Why then, cover and set them down, and see if
1111 thou canst find out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet
1112 would fain hear some music. [Dispatch. The
1113 room where they supped is too hot. They’ll come in
⌜WILL⌝ 1115 15Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master
1116 Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins
1118 Bardolph hath brought word.
⌜SECOND⌝ DRAWER 1119 By the Mass, here will be old utis. It
1120 20 will be an excellent stratagem.
FRANCIS 1121 I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.
He exits ⌜with the Second Drawer.⌝
Enter ⟨Hostess⟩ and Doll Tearsheet.
HOSTESS 1122 I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in
1123 an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats
1124 as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your
1125 25 color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good
1126 truth, la. But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much
1127 canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine,
1128 and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s
1129 this?” How do you now?
DOLL 1130 30Better than I was. Hem.
HOSTESS 1131 Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth
1132 gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.
Enter Sir John ⟨Falstaff.⟩
1133 When Arthur first in court—
1134 ⌜To Will.⌝ Empty the jordan.⌜Will exits.⌝
1135 35 And was a worthy king—
1136 How now, Mistress Doll?
HOSTESS 1137 Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.
FALSTAFF 1138 So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm,
1139 they are sick.
DOLL 1140 40A pox damn you, you muddy rascal. Is that all the
1141 comfort you give me?
FALSTAFF 1142 You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
DOLL 1143 I make them? Gluttony and diseases make ⟨them⟩;
1144 I make them not.
1146 help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you,
1147 Doll, we catch of you. Grant that, my poor virtue,
1148 grant that.
DOLL 1149 Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
FALSTAFF 1150 50Your brooches, pearls, and ouches—for to
1151 serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to
1152 come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and
1153 to surgery bravely, to venture upon the charged
1154 chambers bravely—
[DOLL 1155 55Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!]
HOSTESS 1156 By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two
1157 never meet but you fall to some discord. You are
1158 both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts.
1159 You cannot one bear with another’s confirmities.
1160 60 What the good-year! One must bear, and ⌜to Doll⌝
1161 that must be you. You are the weaker vessel, as they
1162 say, the emptier vessel.
DOLL 1163 Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full
1164 hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of
1165 65 Bordeaux stuff in him. You have not seen a hulk
1166 better stuffed in the hold.—Come, I’ll be friends
1167 with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and
1168 whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is
1169 nobody cares.
DRAWER 1170 70Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak
1171 with you.
DOLL 1172 Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come
1173 hither. It is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.
HOSTESS 1174 If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by
1175 75 my faith, I must live among my neighbors. I’ll no
1176 swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with the
1178 here. I have not lived all this while to have
1179 swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.
FALSTAFF 1180 80Dost thou hear, hostess?
HOSTESS 1181 Pray you pacify yourself, Sir John. There
1182 comes no swaggerers here.
FALSTAFF 1183 Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.
HOSTESS 1184 Tilly-vally, Sir John, ne’er tell me. And your
1185 85 ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was
1186 before Master Tisick the debuty t’ other day, and, as
1187 he said to me—’twas no longer ago than Wednesday
1188 last, i’ good faith—“Neighbor Quickly,” says
1189 he—Master Dumb, our minister, was by then—
1190 90 “Neighbor Quickly,” says he, “receive those that
1191 are civil, for,” said he, “you are in an ill name.”
1192 Now he said so, I can tell whereupon. “For,” says
1193 he, “you are an honest woman, and well thought
1194 on. Therefore take heed what guests you receive.
1195 95 Receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.”
1196 There comes none here. You would bless you to
1197 hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.
FALSTAFF 1198 He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater, i’
1199 faith. You may stroke him as gently as a puppy
1200 100 greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if
1201 her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.—
1202 Call him up, drawer.⌜Drawer exits.⌝
HOSTESS 1203 “Cheater” call you him? I will bar no honest
1204 man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love
1205 105 swaggering. By my troth, I am the worse when one
1206 says “swagger.” Feel, masters, how I shake; look
1207 you, I warrant you.
DOLL 1208 So you do, hostess.
HOSTESS 1209 Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an
1210 110 aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.
PISTOL 1211 God save you, Sir John.
FALSTAFF 1212 Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I
1213 charge you with a cup of sack. Do you discharge
1214 upon mine hostess.
PISTOL 1215 115I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two
FALSTAFF 1217 She is pistol-proof. Sir, you shall not hardly
1218 offend her.
HOSTESS 1219 Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll
1220 120 drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s
1221 pleasure, I.
PISTOL 1222 Then, to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge
DOLL 1224 Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion.
1225 125 What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen
1226 mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for
1227 your master.
PISTOL 1228 I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL 1229 Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!
1230 130 By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy
1231 chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,
1232 you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler,
1233 you. Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with
1234 two points on your shoulder? Much!
PISTOL 1235 135God let me not live but I will murder your ruff
1236 for this.
[FALSTAFF 1237 No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off
1238 here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.]
HOSTESS 1239 No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet
1240 140 captain!
DOLL 1241 Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art
1242 thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains
1244 taking their names upon you before you have
1245 145 earned them. You a captain? You slave, for what?
1246 For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house?
1247 He a captain! Hang him, rogue. He lives upon
1248 mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain?
1249 God’s light, these villains will make the word as
1250 150 odious [as the word “occupy,” which was an excellent
1251 good word before it was ill sorted.] Therefore
1252 captains had need look to ’t.
BARDOLPH, ⌜to Pistol⌝ 1253 Pray thee go down, good ancient.
FALSTAFF 1254 Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
PISTOL, ⌜to Bardolph⌝ 1255 155Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal
1256 Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll be revenged of her.
PAGE 1257 Pray thee go down.
PISTOL 1258 I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd
1259 lake, by this hand, to th’ infernal deep with Erebus
1260 160 and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I.
1261 Down, down, dogs! Down, ⟨Fates!⟩ Have we not
1262 Hiren here?⌜He draws his sword.⌝
HOSTESS 1263 Good Captain Peesell, be quiet. ’Tis very late,
1264 i’ faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
PISTOL 1265 165These be good humors indeed. Shall pack-horses
1266 and hollow pampered jades of Asia, which
1267 cannot go but thirty mile a day, compare with
1268 Caesars and with cannibals and Troyant Greeks?
1269 Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus, and let
1270 170 the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?
HOSTESS 1271 By my troth, captain, these are very bitter
BARDOLPH 1273 Begone, good ancient. This will grow to a
1274 brawl anon.
PISTOL 1275 175⟨Die⟩ men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have
1276 we not Hiren here?
1278 What the good-year, do you think I would deny her?
1279 For God’s sake, be quiet.
PISTOL 1280 180Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come,
1281 give ’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato
1282 me contento. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend
1283 give fire. Give me some sack, and, sweetheart, lie
1284 thou there. ⌜Laying down his sword.⌝ Come we to
1285 185 full points here? And are etceteras nothings?
FALSTAFF 1286 Pistol, I would be quiet.
PISTOL 1287 Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have
1288 seen the seven stars.
DOLL 1289 For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs. I cannot
1290 190 endure such a fustian rascal.
PISTOL 1291 “Thrust him downstairs”? Know we not Galloway
FALSTAFF 1293 Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat
1294 shilling. Nay, an he do nothing but speak
1295 195 nothing, he shall be nothing here.
BARDOLPH 1296 Come, get you downstairs.
PISTOL, ⌜taking up his sword⌝ 1297 What, shall we have
1298 incision? Shall we imbrue? Then death rock me
1299 asleep, abridge my doleful days. Why then, let
1300 200 grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwind the Sisters
1301 Three. Come, Atropos, I say.
HOSTESS 1302 Here’s goodly stuff toward!
FALSTAFF 1303 Give me my rapier, boy.
DOLL 1304 I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.
FALSTAFF, ⌜to Pistol⌝ 1305 205Get you downstairs.⌜They fight.⌝
HOSTESS 1306 Here’s a goodly tumult. I’ll forswear keeping
1307 house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So,
1308 murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your
1309 naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.
⌜Bardolph and Pistol exit.⌝
DOLL 1310 210I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah,
1311 you whoreson little valiant villain, you.
1313 Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
FALSTAFF 1314 Have you turned him out o’ doors?
BARDOLPH 1315 215Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk. You have hurt
1316 him, sir, i’ th’ shoulder.
FALSTAFF 1317 A rascal to brave me!
DOLL 1318 Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape,
1319 how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face.
1320 220 Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i’ faith, I
1321 love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,
1322 worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better
1323 than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!
FALSTAFF 1324 Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a
1325 225 blanket.
DOLL 1326 Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll
1327 canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
Enter ⌜Musicians and Francis.⌝
PAGE 1328 The music is come, sir.
FALSTAFF 1329 Let them play.—Play, sirs.—Sit on my knee,
1330 230 Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from
1331 me like quicksilver.
DOLL 1332 I’ faith, and thou followed’st him like a church.
1333 Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,
1334 when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights
1335 235 and begin to patch up thine old body for
Enter ⌜behind them⌝ Prince and Poins ⟨disguised.⟩
FALSTAFF 1337 Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death’s-head;
1338 do not bid me remember mine end.
DOLL 1339 Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of?
FALSTAFF 1340 240A good shallow young fellow, he would have
DOLL 1343 They say Poins has a good wit.
FALSTAFF 1344 He a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit’s
1345 245 as thick as Tewkesbury mustard. There’s no more
1346 conceit in him than is in a mallet.
DOLL 1347 Why does the Prince love him so then?
FALSTAFF 1348 Because their legs are both of a bigness, and
1349 he plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,
1350 250 and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and
1351 rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon
1352 joint stools, and swears with a good grace, and
1353 wears his boots very smooth like unto the sign of
1354 the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
1355 255 stories, and such other gambol faculties he has that
1356 show a weak mind and an able body, for the which
1357 the Prince admits him; for the Prince himself is
1358 such another. The weight of a hair will turn ⟨the⟩
1359 scales between their avoirdupois.
PRINCE, ⌜aside to Poins⌝ 1360 260Would not this nave of a wheel
1361 have his ears cut off?
POINS 1362 Let’s beat him before his whore.
PRINCE 1363 Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his
1364 poll clawed like a parrot.
POINS 1365 265Is it not strange that desire should so many years
1366 outlive performance?
FALSTAFF 1367 Kiss me, Doll.
PRINCE, ⌜aside to Poins⌝ 1368 Saturn and Venus this year in
1369 conjunction! What says th’ almanac to that?
POINS 1370 270And look whether the fiery trigon, his man, be
1371 not lisping to his ⟨master’s⟩ old tables, his notebook,
1372 his counsel keeper.
FALSTAFF, ⌜to Doll⌝ 1373 Thou dost give me flattering busses.
DOLL 1374 By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant
1375 275 heart.
FALSTAFF 1376 I am old, I am old.
1378 boy of them all.
FALSTAFF 1379 What stuff wilt ⟨thou⟩ have a kirtle of? I shall
1380 280 receive money o’ Thursday; ⟨thou⟩ shalt have a cap
1381 tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it grows late. We’ll
1382 to bed. Thou ’lt forget me when I am gone.
DOLL 1383 By my troth, thou ’lt set me a-weeping an thou
1384 sayst so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till
1385 285 thy return. Well, harken a’ th’ end.
FALSTAFF 1386 Some sack, Francis.
PRINCE, POINS, ⌜coming forward⌝ 1387 Anon, anon, sir.
FALSTAFF 1388 Ha? A bastard son of the King’s?—And art
1389 not thou Poins his brother?
PRINCE 1390 290Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a
1391 life dost thou lead?
FALSTAFF 1392 A better than thou. I am a gentleman. Thou
1393 art a drawer.
PRINCE 1394 Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by
1395 295 the ears.
HOSTESS 1396 O, the Lord preserve thy ⟨good⟩ Grace! By my
1397 troth, welcome to London. Now the Lord bless that
1398 sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from
FALSTAFF, ⌜to Prince⌝ 1400 300Thou whoreson mad compound
1401 of majesty, by this light flesh and corrupt blood,
1402 thou art welcome.
DOLL 1403 How? You fat fool, I scorn you.
POINS 1404 My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge
1405 305 and turn all to a merriment if you take not the heat.
PRINCE, ⌜to Falstaff⌝ 1406 You whoreson candle-mine, you,
1407 how vilely did you speak of me ⟨even⟩ now before
1408 this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!
HOSTESS 1409 God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she
1410 310 is, by my troth.
FALSTAFF, ⌜to Prince⌝ 1411 Didst thou hear me?
1413 away by Gad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back,
1414 and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.
FALSTAFF 1415 315No, no, no, not so. I did not think thou wast
1416 within hearing.
PRINCE 1417 I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilfull
1418 abuse, and then I know how to handle you.
FALSTAFF 1419 No abuse, Hal, o’ mine honor, no abuse.
PRINCE 1420 320Not to dispraise me and call me pantler and
1421 bread-chipper and I know not what?
FALSTAFF 1422 No abuse, Hal.
POINS 1423 No abuse?
FALSTAFF 1424 No abuse, Ned, i’ th’ world, honest Ned,
1425 325 none. I dispraised him before the wicked, (⌜to
Prince⌝) 1426 that the wicked might not fall in love with
1427 thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a
1428 careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to
1429 give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal.—None, Ned,
1430 330 none. No, faith, boys, none.
PRINCE 1431 See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice
1432 doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman
1433 to close with us. Is she of the wicked, is
1434 thine hostess here of the wicked, or is thy boy of the
1435 335 wicked, or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in
1436 his nose, of the wicked?
POINS 1437 Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
FALSTAFF 1438 The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable,
1439 and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen,
1440 340 where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For
1441 the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the
1442 devil blinds him too.
PRINCE 1443 For the women?
FALSTAFF 1444 For one of them, she’s in hell already and
1445 345 burns poor souls. For th’ other, I owe her money,
1446 and whether she be damned for that I know not.
FALSTAFF 1448 No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit
1449 for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon
1450 350 thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house
1451 contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt
HOSTESS 1453 All vitlars do so. What’s a joint of mutton or
1454 two in a whole Lent?
PRINCE, ⌜to Doll⌝ 1455 355You, gentlewoman.
DOLL 1456 What says your Grace?
FALSTAFF 1457 His grace says that which his flesh rebels
Peto knocks at door.
HOSTESS 1459 Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’ door
1460 360 there, Francis.⌜Francis exits.⌝
PRINCE 1461 Peto, how now, what news?
1462 The King your father is at Westminster,
1463 And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
1464 Come from the north, and as I came along
1465 365 I met and overtook a dozen captains,
1466 Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns
1467 And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.
1468 By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
1469 So idly to profane the precious time
1470 370 When tempest of commotion, like the south
1471 Borne with black vapor, doth begin to melt
1472 And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.—
1473 Give me my sword and cloak.—Falstaff, good
1474 night.Prince, ⌜Peto,⌝ and Poins exit.
FALSTAFF 1475 375Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the
1476 night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.
1478 door? (⌜Bardolph returns.⌝) How now, what’s the
1480 380 You must away to court, sir, presently.
1481 A dozen captains stay at door for you.
FALSTAFF, ⌜to Page⌝ 1482 Pay the musicians, sirrah.—
1483 Farewell, hostess.—Farewell, Doll. You see, my
1484 good wenches, how men of merit are sought after.
1485 385 The undeserver may sleep when the man of action
1486 is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent
1487 away post, I will see you again ere I go.
DOLL 1488 I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to
1489 burst—well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.
FALSTAFF 1490 390Farewell, farewell.
He exits ⌜with Bardolph, Page, and Musicians.⌝
HOSTESS 1491 Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these
1492 twenty-nine years, come peasecod time, but an
1493 honester and truer-hearted man—well, fare thee
BARDOLPH, ⌜within⌝ 1495 395Mistress Tearsheet!
HOSTESS 1496 What’s the matter?
BARDOLPH, ⌜within⌝ 1497 Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my
HOSTESS 1499 O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. [Come.—
1500 400 She comes blubbered.—Yea! Will you come, Doll?]