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Twelfth Night - Act 1, scene 3
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Navigate this workTwelfth Night - Act 1, scene 3
Act 1, scene 3
At the estate of Lady Olivia, Sir Toby Belch, Olivia’s kinsman, has brought in Sir Andrew Aguecheek to be her suitor. Maria, Olivia’s lady-in-waiting, says that Andrew is a fool, and Andrew himself doubts his ability to win Olivia, but Toby encourages him to woo her.Enter Sir Toby and Maria.
TOBY 0111 What a plague means my niece to take the death
0112 of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to
MARIA 0114 By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier
0115 5 o’ nights. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions
0116 to your ill hours.
TOBY 0117 Why, let her except before excepted!
MARIA 0118 Ay, but you must confine yourself within the
0119 modest limits of order.
TOBY 0120 10Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am.
0121 These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so
0122 be these boots too. An they be not, let them hang
0123 themselves in their own straps!
MARIA 0124 That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I
0125 15 heard my lady talk of it yesterday, and of a foolish
0126 knight that you brought in one night here to be her
TOBY 0128 Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA 0129 Ay, he.
TOBY 0130 20He’s as tall a man as any ’s in Illyria.
MARIA 0131 What’s that to th’ purpose?
TOBY 0132 Why, he has three thousand ducats a year!
MARIA 0133 Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats.
0134 He’s a very fool and a prodigal.
TOBY 0135 25Fie that you’ll say so! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-gamboys
0136 and speaks three or four languages word
0137 for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of
p. 17MARIA 0139 He hath indeed, almost natural, for, besides
0140 30 that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreler, and, but that
0141 he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath
0142 in quarreling, ’tis thought among the prudent he
0143 would quickly have the gift of a grave.
TOBY 0144 By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors
0145 35 that say so of him. Who are they?
MARIA 0146 They that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in
0147 your company.
TOBY 0148 With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to
0149 her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
0150 40 drink in Illyria. He’s a coward and a coistrel that
0151 will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ th’
0152 toe like a parish top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo,
0153 for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter Sir Andrew.
ANDREW 0154 Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?
TOBY 0155 45Sweet Sir Andrew!
ANDREW, ⌜to Maria⌝ 0156 Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA 0157 And you too, sir.
TOBY 0158 Accost, Sir Andrew, accost!
ANDREW 0159 What’s that?
TOBY 0160 50My niece’s chambermaid.
⌜ANDREW⌝ 0161 Good Mistress Accost, I desire better
MARIA 0163 My name is Mary, sir.
ANDREW 0164 Good Mistress Mary Accost—
TOBY 0165 55You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board
0166 her, woo her, assail her.
ANDREW 0167 By my troth, I would not undertake her in
0168 this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?
MARIA 0169 Fare you well, gentlemen.⌜She begins to exit.⌝
TOBY 0170 60An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou
0171 mightst never draw sword again.
ANDREW 0172 An you part so, mistress, I would I might
p. 190173 never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you
0174 have fools in hand?
MARIA 0175 65Sir, I have not you by th’ hand.
ANDREW 0176 Marry, but you shall have, and here’s my
0177 hand.⌜He offers his hand.⌝
MARIA, ⌜taking his hand⌝ 0178 Now sir, thought is free. I
0179 pray you, bring your hand to th’ butt’ry bar and let
0180 70 it drink.
ANDREW 0181 Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your
MARIA 0183 It’s dry, sir.
ANDREW 0184 Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I
0185 75 can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?
MARIA 0186 A dry jest, sir.
ANDREW 0187 Are you full of them?
MARIA 0188 Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry,
0189 now I let go your hand, I am barren.Maria exits.
TOBY 0190 80O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary! When did
0191 I see thee so put down?
ANDREW 0192 Never in your life, I think, unless you see
0193 canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have
0194 no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man
0195 85 has. But I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that
0196 does harm to my wit.
TOBY 0197 No question.
ANDREW 0198 An I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride
0199 home tomorrow, Sir Toby.
TOBY 0200 90Pourquoi, my dear knight?
ANDREW 0201 What is “pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would I
0202 had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
0203 fencing, dancing, and bearbaiting. O, had I but
0204 followed the arts!
TOBY 0205 95Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
ANDREW 0206 Why, would that have mended my hair?
TOBY 0207 Past question, for thou seest it will not ⌜curl by⌝
p. 21ANDREW 0209 But it becomes ⌜me⌝ well enough, does ’t not?
TOBY 0210 100Excellent! It hangs like flax on a distaff, and I
0211 hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs
0212 and spin it off.
ANDREW 0213 Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your
0214 niece will not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one
0215 105 she’ll none of me. The Count himself here hard by
0216 woos her.
TOBY 0217 She’ll none o’ th’ Count. She’ll not match above
0218 her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit. I have
0219 heard her swear ’t. Tut, there’s life in ’t, man.
ANDREW 0220 110I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’
0221 strangest mind i’ th’ world. I delight in masques
0222 and revels sometimes altogether.
TOBY 0223 Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
ANDREW 0224 As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be,
0225 115 under the degree of my betters, and yet I will not
0226 compare with an old man.
TOBY 0227 What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
ANDREW 0228 Faith, I can cut a caper.
TOBY 0229 And I can cut the mutton to ’t.
ANDREW 0230 120And I think I have the back-trick simply as
0231 strong as any man in Illyria.
TOBY 0232 Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have
0233 these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to
0234 take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost
0235 125 thou not go to church in a galliard and come home
0236 in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig. I would
0237 not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace.
0238 What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues
0239 in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
0240 130 leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
ANDREW 0241 Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
0242 ⌜dun-colored⌝ stock. Shall we ⌜set⌝ about some
p. 23TOBY 0244 What shall we do else? Were we not born under
0245 135 Taurus?
ANDREW 0246 Taurus? ⌜That’s⌝ sides and heart.
TOBY 0247 No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee
0248 caper. ⌜Sir Andrew dances.⌝ Ha, higher! Ha, ha,