Twelfth Night - Act 2, scene 3
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Act 2, scene 3
At Olivia’s estate, Toby, Andrew, and the Fool hold a late night party. Maria comes in to quiet them, followed by Malvolio, who orders them to behave or be dismissed from the house. In retaliation, Maria plots to trap Malvolio with a forged letter that will persuade him that Olivia loves him.Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.
TOBY 0702 Approach, Sir Andrew. Not to be abed after
0703 midnight is to be up betimes, and “diluculo surgere,”
0704 thou know’st—
ANDREW 0705 Nay, by my troth, I know not. But I know to
0706 5 be up late is to be up late.
TOBY 0707 A false conclusion. I hate it as an unfilled can. To
0708 be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is early,
0709 so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed
0710 betimes. Does not our lives consist of the four
0711 10 elements?
ANDREW 0712 Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists
0713 of eating and drinking.
TOBY 0714 Thou ’rt a scholar. Let us therefore eat and
0715 drink. Marian, I say, a stoup of wine!
Enter ⌜Feste, the Fool.⌝
ANDREW 0716 15Here comes the Fool, i’ faith.
FOOL 0717 How now, my hearts? Did you never see the
0718 picture of “We Three”?
TOBY 0719 Welcome, ass! Now let’s have a catch.
ANDREW 0720 By my troth, the Fool has an excellent breast.
0721 20 I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,
0722 and so sweet a breath to sing, as the Fool has.—In
0723 sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night
0724 when thou spok’st of Pigrogromitus of the Vapians
0725 passing the equinoctial of Queubus. ’Twas very
0726 25 good, i’ faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman.
0727 Hadst it?
0729 is no whipstock, my lady has a white hand, and the
0730 Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.
ANDREW 0731 30Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling when
0732 all is done. Now, a song!
TOBY, ⌜giving money to the Fool⌝ 0733 Come on, there is
0734 sixpence for you. Let’s have a song.
ANDREW, ⌜giving money to the Fool⌝ 0735 There’s a testril of
0736 35 me, too. If one knight give a—
FOOL 0737 Would you have a love song or a song of good
TOBY 0739 A love song, a love song.
ANDREW 0740 Ay, ay, I care not for good life.
0741 40 O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
0742 O, stay and hear! Your truelove’s coming,
0743 That can sing both high and low.
0744 Trip no further, pretty sweeting.
0745 Journeys end in lovers meeting,
0746 45 Every wise man’s son doth know.
ANDREW 0747 Excellent good, i’ faith!
TOBY 0748 Good, good.
0749 What is love? ’Tis not hereafter.
0750 Present mirth hath present laughter.
0751 50 What’s to come is still unsure.
0752 In delay there lies no plenty,
0753 Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty.
0754 Youth’s a stuff will not endure.
ANDREW 0755 A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.
TOBY 0756 55A contagious breath.
ANDREW 0757 Very sweet and contagious, i’ faith.
TOBY 0758 To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.
0759 But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall
0760 we rouse the night owl in a catch that will draw
0761 60 three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that?
FOOL 0764 By ’r Lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
ANDREW 0765 Most certain. Let our catch be “Thou
0766 65 Knave.”
FOOL 0767 “Hold thy peace, thou knave,” knight? I shall be
0768 constrained in ’t to call thee “knave,” knight.
ANDREW 0769 ’Tis not the first time I have constrained one
0770 to call me “knave.” Begin, Fool. It begins “Hold
0771 70 thy peace.”
FOOL 0772 I shall never begin if I hold my peace.
ANDREW 0773 Good, i’ faith. Come, begin.Catch sung.
MARIA 0774 What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my
0775 lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and
0776 75 bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.
TOBY 0777 My lady’s a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio’s
0778 a Peg-a-Ramsey, and ⌜Sings.⌝ Three merry men be
0779 we. Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her
0780 blood? Tillyvally! “Lady”! ⌜Sings.⌝ There dwelt a man
0781 80 in Babylon, lady, lady.
FOOL 0782 Beshrew me, the knight’s in admirable fooling.
ANDREW 0783 Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed,
0784 and so do I, too. He does it with a better grace, but
0785 I do it more natural.
TOBY ⌜sings⌝ 0786 85O’ the twelfth day of December—
MARIA 0787 For the love o’ God, peace!
MALVOLIO 0788 My masters, are you mad? Or what are you?
0789 Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty but to
0790 gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do you
0791 90 make an ale-house of my lady’s house, that you
0792 squeak out your coziers’ catches without any mitigation
0793 or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of
0794 place, persons, nor time in you?
MALVOLIO 0796 95Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady
0797 bade me tell you that, though she harbors you as her
0798 kinsman, she’s nothing allied to your disorders. If
0799 you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors,
0800 you are welcome to the house; if not, an it would
0801 100 please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to
0802 bid you farewell.
0803 Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.
MARIA 0804 Nay, good Sir Toby.
0805 His eyes do show his days are almost done.
MALVOLIO 0806 105Is ’t even so?
0807 But I will never die.
0808 Sir Toby, there you lie.
MALVOLIO 0809 This is much credit to you.
0810 Shall I bid him go?
0811 110 What an if you do?
0812 Shall I bid him go, and spare not?
0813 O no, no, no, no, you dare not.
TOBY 0814 Out o’ tune, sir? You lie. Art any more than a
0815 steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous,
0816 115 there shall be no more cakes and ale?
FOOL 0817 Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i’ th’
0818 mouth, too.
TOBY 0819 Thou ’rt i’ th’ right.—Go, sir, rub your chain
0820 with crumbs.—A stoup of wine, Maria!
MALVOLIO 0821 120Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady’s favor
0822 at anything more than contempt, you would not give
0824 this hand.He exits.
MARIA 0825 Go shake your ears!
ANDREW 0826 125’Twere as good a deed as to drink when a
0827 man’s a-hungry, to challenge him the field and
0828 then to break promise with him and make a fool of
TOBY 0830 Do ’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge. Or I’ll
0831 130 deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
MARIA 0832 Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the
0833 youth of the Count’s was today with my lady, she is
0834 much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
0835 alone with him. If I do not gull him into ⌜a nayword⌝
0836 135 and make him a common recreation, do not think I
0837 have wit enough to lie straight in my bed. I know I
0838 can do it.
TOBY 0839 Possess us, possess us, tell us something of him.
MARIA 0840 Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
ANDREW 0841 140O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog!
TOBY 0842 What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite reason,
0843 dear knight?
ANDREW 0844 I have no exquisite reason for ’t, but I have
0845 reason good enough.
MARIA 0846 145The devil a puritan that he is, or anything
0847 constantly but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass
0848 that cons state without book and utters it by great
0849 swaths; the best persuaded of himself, so crammed,
0850 as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds
0851 150 of faith that all that look on him love him. And on
0852 that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause
0853 to work.
TOBY 0854 What wilt thou do?
MARIA 0855 I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of
0856 155 love, wherein by the color of his beard, the shape of
0857 his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his
0858 eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself
0860 lady your niece; on a forgotten matter, we can
0861 160 hardly make distinction of our hands.
TOBY 0862 Excellent! I smell a device.
ANDREW 0863 I have ’t in my nose, too.
TOBY 0864 He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,
0865 that they come from my niece, and that she’s in
0866 165 love with him.
MARIA 0867 My purpose is indeed a horse of that color.
ANDREW 0868 And your horse now would make him an ass.
MARIA 0869 Ass, I doubt not.
ANDREW 0870 O, ’twill be admirable!
MARIA 0871 170Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic
0872 will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the
0873 Fool make a third, where he shall find the letter.
0874 Observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed,
0875 and dream on the event. Farewell.
TOBY 0876 175Good night, Penthesilea.She exits.
ANDREW 0877 Before me, she’s a good wench.
TOBY 0878 She’s a beagle true bred, and one that adores
0879 me. What o’ that?
ANDREW 0880 I was adored once, too.
TOBY 0881 180Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for
0882 more money.
ANDREW 0883 If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way
TOBY 0885 Send for money, knight. If thou hast her not i’
0886 185 th’ end, call me “Cut.”
ANDREW 0887 If I do not, never trust me, take it how you
TOBY 0889 Come, come, I’ll go burn some sack. ’Tis too
0890 late to go to bed now. Come, knight; come, knight.