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The Comedy of Errors
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The Comedy of ErrorsAct 2, scene 2
⌜Scene 2⌝
Synopsis:
Antipholus (of Syracuse) meets Dromio (of Syracuse), who denies having spoken of Antipholus’s wife. Adriana and her sister, Luciana, enter and persuade Antipholus to come to dinner.
Enter Antipholus ⌜of Syracuse.⌝ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0388 The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
0389 Safe at the Centaur, and the heedful slave
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0390
Is wandered forth in care to seek me out.0391 By computation and mine host’s report,
0392 5 I could not speak with Dromio since at first
0393 I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
Enter Dromio ⌜of⌝ Syracuse.
0394 How now, sir? Is your merry humor altered?
0395 As you love strokes, so jest with me again.
0396 You know no Centaur? You received no gold?
0397 10 Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?
0398 My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,
0399 That thus so madly thou didst answer me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0400 What answer, sir? When spake I such a word?
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0401 Even now, even here, not half an hour since.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0402 15 I did not see you since you sent me hence,
0403 Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0404 Villain, thou didst deny the gold’s receipt
0405 And told’st me of a mistress and a dinner,
0406 For which I hope thou felt’st I was displeased.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0407 20 I am glad to see you in this merry vein.
0408 What means this jest, I pray you, master, tell me?
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0409 Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?
0410 Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that and that.
Beats Dromio.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0411 Hold, sir, for God’s sake! Now your jest is earnest.
0412 25 Upon what bargain do you give it me?
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0413 Because that I familiarly sometimes
0414 Do use you for my fool and chat with you,
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0415
Your sauciness will jest upon my love0416 And make a common of my serious hours.
0417 30 When the sun shines, let foolish gnats make sport,
0418 But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.
0419 If you will jest with me, know my aspect,
0420 And fashion your demeanor to my looks,
0421 Or I will beat this method in your sconce.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0422 35“Sconce” call you it? So you
0423 would leave battering, I had rather have it a
0424 “head.” An you use these blows long, I must get a
0425 sconce for my head and ensconce it too, or else I
0426 shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But I pray, sir,
0427 40 why am I beaten?
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0428 Dost thou not know?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0429 Nothing, sir, but that I am
0430 beaten.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0431 Shall I tell you why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0432 45Ay, sir, and wherefore, for they
0433 say every why hath a wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0434 “Why” first: for flouting
0435 me; and then “wherefore”: for urging it the second
0436 time to me.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0437 50 Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,
0438 When in the “why” and the “wherefore” is neither
0439 rhyme nor reason?
0440 Well, sir, I thank you.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0441 Thank me, sir, for what?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0442 55Marry, sir, for this something
0443 that you gave me for nothing.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0444 I’ll make you amends next,
0445 to give you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it
0446 dinnertime?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0447 60No, sir, I think the meat wants
0448 that I have.
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ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0449
In good time, sir, what’s0450 that?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0451 Basting.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0452 65Well, sir, then ’twill be dry.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0453 If it be, sir, I pray you eat none of
0454 it.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0455 Your reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0456 Lest it make you choleric and
0457 70 purchase me another dry basting.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0458 Well, sir, learn to jest in
0459 good time. There’s a time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0460 I durst have denied that before
0461 you were so choleric.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0462 75By what rule, sir?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0463 Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as
0464 the plain bald pate of Father Time himself.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0465 Let’s hear it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0466 There’s no time for a man to
0467 80 recover his hair that grows bald by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0468 May he not do it by fine and
0469 recovery?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0470 Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig,
0471 and recover the lost hair of another man.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0472 85Why is Time such a niggard
0473 of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0474 Because it is a blessing that he
0475 bestows on beasts, and what he hath scanted ⌜men⌝
0476 in hair, he hath given them in wit.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0477 90Why, but there’s many a
0478 man hath more hair than wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0479 Not a man of those but he hath
0480 the wit to lose his hair.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0481 Why, thou didst conclude
0482 95 hairy men plain dealers without wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0483 The plainer dealer, the sooner
0484 lost. Yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.
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ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0485
For what reason?DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0486 For two, and sound ones too.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0487 100Nay, not sound, I pray you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0488 Sure ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0489 Nay, not sure, in a thing
0490 falsing.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0491 Certain ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0492 105Name them.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0493 The one, to save the money that
0494 he spends in ⌜tiring;⌝ the other, that at dinner they
0495 should not drop in his porridge.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0496 You would all this time
0497 110 have proved there is no time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0498 Marry, and did, sir: namely, e’en
0499 no time to recover hair lost by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0500 But your reason was not
0501 substantial why there is no time to recover.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0502 115Thus I mend it: Time himself is
0503 bald and therefore, to the world’s end, will have
0504 bald followers.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0505 I knew ’twould be a bald
0506 conclusion. But soft, who wafts us yonder?
Enter Adriana, ⌜beckoning them,⌝ and Luciana.
ADRIANA
0507 120 Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown.
0508 Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects.
0509 I am not Adriana, nor thy wife.
0510 The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow
0511 That never words were music to thine ear,
0512 125 That never object pleasing in thine eye,
0513 That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
0514 That never meat sweet-savored in thy taste,
0515 Unless I spake, or looked, or touched, or carved to
0516 thee.
0517 130 How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it
p.
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0518
That thou art then estrangèd from thyself?0519 “Thyself” I call it, being strange to me,
0520 That, undividable, incorporate,
0521 Am better than thy dear self’s better part.
0522 135 Ah, do not tear away thyself from me!
0523 For know, my love, as easy mayst thou fall
0524 A drop of water in the breaking gulf,
0525 And take unmingled thence that drop again
0526 Without addition or diminishing,
0527 140 As take from me thyself and not me too.
0528 How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
0529 Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious
0530 And that this body, consecrate to thee,
0531 By ruffian lust should be contaminate!
0532 145 Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me,
0533 And hurl the name of husband in my face,
0534 And tear the stained skin off my harlot brow,
0535 And from my false hand cut the wedding ring,
0536 And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
0537 150 I know thou canst, and therefore see thou do it.
0538 I am possessed with an adulterate blot;
0539 My blood is mingled with the crime of lust;
0540 For if we two be one, and thou play false,
0541 I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
0542 155 Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
0543 Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed,
0544 I live distained, thou undishonorèd.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0545 Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not.
0546 In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
0547 160 As strange unto your town as to your talk,
0548 Who, every word by all my wit being scanned,
0549 Wants wit in all one word to understand.
LUCIANA
0550 Fie, brother, how the world is changed with you!
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0551
When were you wont to use my sister thus?0552 165 She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝ 0553 By Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0554 By me?
ADRIANA
0555 By thee; and this thou didst return from him:
0556 That he did buffet thee and, in his blows,
0557 170 Denied my house for his, me for his wife.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0558 Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
0559 What is the course and drift of your compact?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0560 I, sir? I never saw her till this time.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0561 Villain, thou liest, for even her very words
0562 175 Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0563 I never spake with her in all my life.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0564 How can she thus then call us by our names—
0565 Unless it be by inspiration?
ADRIANA
0566 How ill agrees it with your gravity
0567 180 To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
0568 Abetting him to thwart me in my mood.
0569 Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,
0570 But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
0571 Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine.
⌜She takes his arm.⌝
0572 185 Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
0573 Whose weakness, married to thy ⌜stronger⌝ state,
0574 Makes me with thy strength to communicate.
0575 If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
0576 Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss,
0577 190 Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
0578 Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.
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ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE, aside⌝ 0579 To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme.
0580 What, was I married to her in my dream?
0581 Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?
0582 195 What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
0583 Until I know this sure uncertainty
0584 I’ll entertain the ⌜offered⌝ fallacy.
LUCIANA
0585 Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0586 O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
⌜He crosses himself.⌝
0587 200 This is the fairy land. O spite of spites!
0588 We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites.
0589 If we obey them not, this will ensue:
0590 They’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA
0591 Why prat’st thou to thyself and answer’st not?
0592 205 Dromio—thou, Dromio—thou snail, thou slug,
0593 thou sot.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0594 I am transformèd, master, am I not?
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0595 I think thou art in mind, and so am I.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0596 Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE⌝
0597 210 Thou hast thine own form.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 0598 No, I am an ape.
LUCIANA
0599 If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0600 ’Tis true. She rides me, and I long for grass.
0601 ’Tis so. I am an ass; else it could never be
0602 215 But I should know her as well as she knows me.
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ADRIANA 0603 Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
0604 To put the finger in the eye and weep
0605 Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.
0606 Come, sir, to dinner.—Dromio, keep the gate.—
0607 220 Husband, I’ll dine above with you today,
0608 And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
0609 ⌜To Dromio.⌝ Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
0610 Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.—
0611 Come, sister.—Dromio, play the porter well.
ANTIPHOLUS ⌜OF SYRACUSE, aside⌝
0612 225 Am I in Earth, in heaven, or in hell?
0613 Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advised?
0614 Known unto these, and to myself disguised!
0615 I’ll say as they say, and persever so,
0616 And in this mist at all adventures go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
0617 230 Master, shall I be porter at the gate?
ADRIANA
0618 Ay, and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
LUCIANA
0619 Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
⌜They exit.⌝